前段时间热播的宫斗剧《延禧攻略》中,乾隆的贵妃魏璎珞特立独行、勇往直前、机敏灵活的形象圈粉无数
尽管当今社会女性经济独立、生活可以自足,不必再为争宠而对男性奴颜婢膝,可一到婚嫁年龄,还是免不了放低身段,尽量把自己在“保质期”内嫁出去。
可是这戴着面具、压抑自己天性而换来的婚姻能给自己带来幸福吗?
一位上海妹子写了自己在相亲过程中的经历,以此反思女性在婚恋市场上应以怎样的姿态来面对男性和自己的内心。
以下是GlobalTimes (Metro Shanghai) 近期刊登的一篇评论,配有中文翻译哟!
Chinese women should not wear masks to win husbands
A new Chinese costume TV drama called Story of Yanxi Palace has resulted in praise for the show's leading role, Wei Yingluo, who portrays the maverick concubine of Emperor Qianlong in Qing Dynasty (1644-1911). The actress has won the appreciation of modern fans for not being a puppet like other docile concubines of the emperor.
前段时间,《延禧攻略》热播。大家喜欢女主魏璎珞,因为她跳出了后宫嫔妃乖巧温顺的框框。有时候甚至有点咄咄逼人:人不犯我我不犯人,人若犯我十倍奉还。这样的状态不要说是清朝,就是现在也是很多女性梦寐以求达到的状态。
Though China has no emperor now and modern women are supposed to be equal to men given their rising economic and education status, we are still expected to be subservient, at least in the blind date market, where single women reaching their "expiration date" are eager to find a husband - any husband.
虽然大清早就灭了,男人对女性的要求似乎并没有很大变化,至少在相亲市场上,“乖巧”“温顺”“顾家”依然是男人评价女性的首要标准之一。
My own bad blind dating experiences offer a perfect example of how young educated women in China's marriage market have to play dumb just to make men feel superior to us.
作为一个正在相亲的女性,我觉得对这种所谓传统美德的苛求,把它当成评判一个对象的前提,其实剥夺了女性平等自由的权利。我可以温柔贤良,但是不必为了你而温柔贤良。
On one recent date, a man kept talking about his love of motorcycle racing and how many helmets he owns, paying no attention to my own hobbies. When I finally had the chance to speak about some of my travel experiences, he was utterly uninterested.
最近和一个相亲男出去吃饭,他一说到自己的爱好就停不下来,从最新款的摩托车到他喜爱的头盔。每到我谈及自己的兴趣的时候,就“哦哦”两句敷衍过去,对我之前聊过的内容更是毫无记忆。
For dinner, we went directly to the restaurant he suggested without asking for my opinion. The rest of the night we were like two parallel lines. I am at least equal if not better than this man in terms of education and life experiences, so why was I left feeling ignored and unappreciated?
晚上我们去了一家他随机搜到的餐厅,也没有问过我的喜好。吃饭的时候我们就像两个平行世界的人。除非我向他的话题靠拢,我们就各说各的。因为我对他讲的完全不感兴趣,除了礼貌性的倾听和点头之外,也没有再更多的兴趣。全程下来,我感觉自己就是一个陪聊。
After several more dates with this boorish snob, I decided to start acting indifferent and even sarcastic toward him. He finally got the hint and left me for a more subservient woman.
也许是平日里对他流露了一点冷漠,也许他更希望找一个对他
言听计从,崇拜他的女生,因为话不投机,几次接触之后,我们没有继续相处下去了。
"These are all small things. You should let the man do the most of the talking and show interest in him to make him feel good," warned my traditional mother in a matter-of-fact manner after the man complained through his parent to mine about me being "untamed and untouchable."
但是消息传到我妈妈这儿,她觉得非常惋惜。“这都是小事情。你要学会迎合男生,让他喜欢和你说话。”我妈妈就是这样一个传统的女性,在经过几个相亲男投诉我“太强势”之后,她对我发出了最后通牒。
This is just one of their rules I must obey. Others include coming back home right after work to make a good stay-at-home wife image; saying "yes" to all of my dating partner's dictatorial suggestions; laughing at his stupid jokes; and keeping a low profile about my education background and salary, just in case these men are no better off than me.
除了迎合男生之外,我妈妈还对我进行了彻底的改造:
作为女孩子,你要
下班早点回家,没有男生喜欢不着家的女生
作为女孩子,你要多认可别人的意见,不要总是提出反对意见
作为女孩子,你要对自己的学历和工资低调一点,尤其是别人不如你的时候,男生都是有自尊心的
On my next date with another man, I feigned interest in everything he said and reacted with a flatulent response to ensure his ego was perfectly indulged. The strategy worked! He asked me for a second date. I might have landed myself a husband who can give me an apartment and car and all the other materialistic possessions that will make up for our loveless marriage.
第二次相亲,我真的试了上面几条法则,对男生说的话题(无论是什么)都抱有极高的兴趣,反馈极其强烈,来成就他的满足感。结果这个男生邀请我第二次出去玩儿。也许这样下去,我真的可以找到条件还不错、合适结婚的男生。
But now I find myself in unfamiliar territory. Since subservience is not my true nature, it feels like I'm wearing the mask of a gentle, virtuous and good Chinese wife just to appeal to this man in the hopes of securing my future.
但是冷静下来,我感觉自己越发陌生了。贤妻良母,言听计从真的不是我的本性,至少现在不是。我感觉自己被迫戴上了善解人意,温柔贤良的“好妻子”面具,藏起了我本来引以为傲的棱角和个性。
Once women put on this mask, however, our dates feel more like having a business meeting, where we make negotiations and deals about our so-called relationship. Since such relationships lack any kind of romance, I fear I will ever be able to "be myself" again?
每次相亲,就像带着个面具的商业谈判,男男女女各取所需。也许男人想找个听话的老婆,女人想找个物质上不算太差的男人,就这样度过一生。但是戴上面具、磨平棱角的我,还是真实的我吗?
I really do not know if I can continue to wear that mask. I know it makes my potential blind dates and my parents happy, but what kind of married life will we have if I, the wife, am not also happy?
我不知道这个面具还会戴多久? 至少,目前这会让我家长和男生开心。但是有没有人在乎,我是不是开心呢?
The opinions expressed in this article are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Global Times.